Selfish Indecision
by Hazel-Eyes17
Summary: Is there an expiration date on apologizing? Must you forgive in order to be a good person? When the pain is so real that it stays with you everyday how can you be expected to forgive? Is 5 years the exp. date for Edward? Has he missed his chance BxE OOC


**Hey everyone... I promise I have not abanded Crashing Into Reason... but there have been some things that have happened in my life lately that I feel as though I need to express. And with that desire comes to need to write. I'm not saying that this is my situation, or anything like that but it is helping me cope with what is going on. I am writing this for me... but if you happen to read it and like it and perhaps even relate, then that is even better. Like always reviews are appreciated, but not expected or necessary.**

**The only thing that I do ask... is if you have had personal experience with anything that I type in the story... Please share with me... but only if you are willing. i would like to see how others have dealt with similar situations. **

**Enjoy! **

_Clean and vacuum bedrooms? Check. Prepare vegetables for tonight? Check. Finish up the laundry? Check. Feed the dog? Oh shit…_

My mental to do list was abruptly stopped by my boyfriend yelling at me through the kitchen window.

"Honey! There is someone who just pulled into the driveway. Can you go see who it is? I am covered in dirt from raking leaves.—Oh never mind, I will do it. I don't want you to have to walk through these leaves. Love you!"

"Love you too baby! And please stop raking… it's only September the leaves aren't that bad… and I don't mind them." By that point he was already running down the driveway to greet our unexpected guest.

Holden was "that guy". The perfect gentlemen who would dramatically throw his petty coat over the puddle so that the girl would get to the curb safely. He would also run up and get the car if it was raining, he would also pay for everything—despite my constant arguing. Holden was by all accounts the perfect man. I had met him in Law School and for the first time since my undergrad years really let myself fall in love again.

I quickly ran off to feed the dog—Shayleigh—before I forgot again, and then continued making my mental to do list. As I was coming back into the kitchen I saw and heard two very frightening things.

Holden, my knight in shining armor covered in mud standing on my crisp white carpets talking to a man in a grey Northface jacket. His back was turned to me, and I couldn't see his face.

"Oh honey, there you are!" Holden exclaimed, "This is Edward, he said that he knows you?"

My heart stopped beating. Edward? No… It couldn't be. It had been years, 5 years since we had last spoken. Edward turned and I saw his unruly hair, and his green piercing eyes. I froze. I collapsed. I don't remember much after hitting the ground.

Apparently it took the both of them 4 minutes and 37 seconds to have me up and walking again. Edward tried to reach out to me to help me up, but I jerked away at his reach. Holden's eyes piqued noticing this transaction.

"Bell, is everything okay?" Holden never let me just "drop" anything, and he definitely had seen me jerk away from Edward like a burning coal to skin.

"Yea… ummm… of course, I'm still dizzy I guess." They were the only words that I could muster out. And it wasn't a completely lie. I was still dizzy.

I was definitely confused as to why my former high school sweetheart was at my home 3,000 miles away from where I went to high school and left him at. This was all very confusing, and suddenly I felt rather feint again.

Holden started up again and he reached for me and cradled me in his arms. I looked at Edward and a look of sorrow and jealousy crossed his face. It was quickly replaced by a vacant stare.

"So how do you two know each other?" Holden inquired.

I had never felt the need to explain to Holden my past. I had virtually escaped from my former life and worked like hell to establish a new one. I ran 3,000 miles away to make sure that I had no memories of _him_ and that I could be in a place where no memories of _us_ would interfere with my future. How could I explain that to anyone, especially Holden?

There was no explanation. I ran away. I ran from my problems, and my insecurities because I simply couldn't stand to be in the same state as him. Holden kept eying me with a scrutinizing gaze, trying to decipher my odd behavior.

"Oh, mutual high school friend." Once again, not a lie… just not a complete truth.

Edward's face fell again, and this time it stayed in a permanent position of disappointment and embarrassment. I heard him mumble, "I shouldn't have come…"

"Then why did you? Why did you bother to come at all Edward? It's been what? 5 years since we have last spoken! How did you even find me? Did you come to finish me off? Was the last 5 years of me FINALLY finding happiness too much for you to handle? Of course. Because once again your selfish nature dictates that I am INCAPLE of being happy!"

Holden and Edward stood there shocked at my brief tantrum. Holden had never seen me act or speak like that, Edward on the other hand had seen and heard much worse from me in the past.

"Bella… I came to talk to you, it's…. important, and I know it's wrong for me to come and interrupt your life like this… " Edwards body language then took a drastic change. Instead of slumping and looking vulnerable, he sat up then stood towering over me. His voice became clearer and his shoulders pushed back. It looked like he was preparing for battle, in any other circumstance it would have been funny. Edward then continued to say: "but I need to talk to you. It's been too long. And I am not leaving until you hear what I have to say."

"You're right…. Its been TOO LONG. You have had 5 years, 5 fucking years to reach out to me and to attempt to talk. But no, its been too long. I don't care why you are here and I sure as hell don't care about what you have to say. Get the hell out of my house. I thought I made that pretty clear 5 years ago, but if I didn't I apologize. But I am making it crystal clear now. GET. THE. FUCK. OUT." I inhaled deeply after shouting at Edward. Holden stood there paralyzed, obviously trying to figure out what was going on, and at a crossroad about whether or not to intercede.

"No Bella. I am not leaving until we talk. You are done running away from this, and I am done being a coward. We are going to discuss—"

Before he had a chance to finish I raised my right hand and slapped him across the face. The sound of my palm scorching his face resembled a gun shot.

Without hesitation, Edward looked up at me with tears in his eyes and said,

"She's pregnant."

And for the second time that night, I collapsed.


End file.
